The Terrible Secret of Space

Chalk and Boss Of It All

2009-03-17T14:36:00.007-04:00

If you know me at all, you know I love to watch movies from other countries. There are not so many stipulations about what can be shown or said in a "foreign" movie. Also, just because you are a main character doesn't keep you from dying in the end.

Another reason I love foreign movies is because I am trying to learn at least ONE new language, so testing the continuity between what the subtitle says and what the actual character has just spoken can be some fun.

I recently watched two movies, one of which is NOT a foreign film but might as well have been and the other was Danish.

Let's take a look at the cover for Chalk shall we?

(I apologize for the lack of color ... stupid scanner here at work only does black and white)

The important part to notice here is the review quotes. See that word "comedy"? Yeah so did I. Then I watched the movie. The only comedy in this movie is that word there on the front.

Yeah, moving on... The Boss of it All... a Danish film.

Again look closely at the crappy black and white scan of the cover. See it there? Comedy appears TWICE!!! as well as the word FUNNY!!!!
How could I possibly lose on this one!

The premise (reading the synopsis) also seems like it has great potential!

Apparently, Danish comedy is only funny to Danes. Either that or this stunk so bad in Denmark they shipped all the copies here for free! Either way ...
There are a couple small funny bits in the movie and a decent (albeit short) sex scene, but other than that...meh. When the movie opens with the director telling you that you being able to see HIM in the reflection of the window of the building in the first shot was intentional because it's funny ... well ... laugh it up !! The movie is edited as stupidly as the camera shots are all throughout. So occasionally a person may be standing in a room and the next shot ... gone ... as if they just teleported out of the room. Yup, I knew you'd be rolling on the floor with laughter. Seriously, if you really are, go check this movie out ... you'll love it!

Personally, though I think Capt. Picard summed it up best when he watched it and immediately exclaimed ...

Read any good movies lately?

2009-03-17T08:55:00.003-04:00

It is a well known fact, er, you know, if you like know me and stuff it's well known, that I like "foreign" movies. It's possible you could call me a "subtitle junkie". If you are my wife, however, you might just call me "stupid". You see, unlike me, she can't stand most of my movie choices. By most I mean 99.9999% and "can't stand" should probably be read "hates". It probably doesn't help, of course, that I have a Netflix "3-at-a-time" subscription and a library card that allows me to get 10 movies at a time.

I think probably the biggest draw I have to these kinds of movies are two fold. I love movies in other languages. (Oh, how I wish I'd paid more attention in French class in school). I actually LEARN things. I know enough words in about 3 languages that on occasion I can tell if the subtitles are CORRECT or not. I know, this is not good enough to carry on a conversation, but I'm working on that too (post for another time perhaps).

The other reason I like these movies is that other cultures do not have the same ideals when it comes to movie making. For example, in order to have a good movie, the main characters don't have to live happily ever after, in fact, they don't have to live at all. Movies from other cultures aren't as obsessed about what they can say OR do on screen. Whether it's creepy, gory, oddly twisted, or interlaced with sex, you will see things that you just can't see in a North American movie. It is the one way that you can actually get pr0n from the library! Yeah foreign flicks!

My point? Well, besides the fact that you know more about me now? I decided that I would on occasion fill this empty void of a blog with a review of such movies. This is partly so that you folks that read this (all 3 of you) can check out some of the better movies if so desired, but mostly it's so I don't have to wallow in the pain of a really crappy movie all by myself! I have to tell SOMEONE! Lucky you! No...don't leave...come back ... I'm sorry ... I promise they will be short and possibly entertaining. At least as much as can be expected from me.

~Fin~

Oddest Warranty Return

2009-02-04T14:23:00.007-05:00

So I didn't shop at Jared. However, the Xmas gift I got my wife still put a smile on her face.

Since I know you are all asking, "Pusher, what fantastic gift did you get your wife that made her smile so?"

Let me tell you! I got her THIS (NSFW - for the love of all that is good, don't click this link with your boss standing right there ... PLEASE ... I beg of you!)

I freakin' told you! What were you thinking! Jeez!

So I get this thing and get it home. Get it wrapped and put it under the tree so she can open it ... YEAH RIGHT! She did not get this gift to open in front of the children and her mother! What kind of fool do you take me for!?

So anyway ... some days go by and we finally get a chance to try out her new "toy". Guess what? Dang how'd you know! The freakin' "Turbo pearls" don't ... well ... turbo.
Not only do they not turbo ... they don't even turtle, crawl, quiver ... nothing ... they don't budge! Dang it! Okay, it has a warranty card which I can fill out online and then return it.

This bad boy is in a package large enough I have to take it to the post office ... god I hope he doesn't recognize the name of the company! (The company name that it gets sent to is NOT California Exotics, just for the record). What's that? Do I want to insure it? Um ... do I have to tell you what it is? No? Sure I'll insure it. Whew! Close one!

Yeah, just a little awkward ... but ... $20 extra (shipping and insurance and RETURN shipping costs) it's back ... well NOT the same one ... but a NEW one just like it ... and the pearls ... oh yeah , they turbo!

Long Post Divided By 2 = Short Post + Short Post

2009-02-04T13:42:00.006-05:00

Yes that title totally blows. No sleep remember? You don't like it? Cover it up with a little whiteout ...

Um....let's try this again. Where did I leave off? What's that you say? Oh yeah! Thanks!

So here are some of the movies I've seen. I'm not going to review them for you, but I will give you my BRIEF opinion on most of them.

The Descent - Scary? A few scenes caused certain members of my family to obtain airtime from their seats on the couch. Relatively good mix of scary and gory.

Boy Eats Girl - No this is not one of THOSE movies! It is supposed to be a sorta stupid, funny zombie movie. They got the stupid part right! Oh yeah ... and I guess they got the zombie part right too. I guess 2 out of 3 ain't bad.

Crank - Pissed off hitman? The trailer made me wanna see this. The result? Disappointing. They so could have done so much more with this movie. However, definitely worth watching just for the Chinatown scene!

Blood and Chocolate - Dang! I almost forgot to mention this one! Nobody sparkles!

Bound - Jennifer Tilly! Now I just need to get my wife to watch it with me so we can try out the Xmas present that we just got back. The oddest warranty return ever, but that's another story.

Oh There You Are!

2009-02-04T13:20:00.003-05:00

I know I've been totally negligent and I apologize. I have to admit that there hasn't seemed to be any really interesting stupidity happen lately and as you may (or may not know), I seem to do better here when I have stupid people or things to write about.

So I know you are asking yourself, what the heck you been up to Pusher? What? You didn't ask? Too bad. I'm gonna tell you anyway.

The number one time consumer these days is the major project at work. It's one of those where there is a crapload of stuff to get done in a short amount of time and apparently they expect me to actually work! Oh the humanity!

When I'm home it doesn't seem like I get much time to myself as I always seem to have math homework to help with. Oh the curse of being fairly decent at math! I'll be so glad when my daughter is DONE with glide-reflections.

I have recently started again to take advantage of the 10 dvd rental limit by the local library. I used to do this all the time and then we got Netflix and it stopped. Now I'm being totally insane and doing both, so at any given time I have 13 or so movies to watch.

When the crap do you have time for that? I KNOW! Let me tell you. Mostly my movie watching time is lying in bed when you and I both know I really should be sleeping or ... yeah sleeping. So conking out at 1 or 2 in the morning seems to be a horrible trend I'm falling into. It's possible this may catch up to .....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... er ... sorry ... where was I? Oh yeah. So I'm an idiot ... sue me!

There's more but I'll spare you now ... I HATE long posts ... come on people I read your stuff at work. I don't have the time to read a novel. I can't be the only person in this position ... so ... SHORT!

Stupid People Untie!

2008-12-18T08:57:00.003-05:00

The news last night teased this article all the way to the last segment. Wow, that sounds all kind of wrong. Anyway, so I waited through all the other crap they show on the news, robberies, deaths, weather, sports, all that other happy fun stuff to find out what the big deal with this was. Here is an article from the NY daily news explaining it.

Um....yeah...I'm sure I don't have to go into any kind of rant about how stupid these people are, what they've done to their children and "OMG! Why are we being treated this way!" (ok i paraphrased there but ... still.)

Oh Really? How Is That Exactly?

2008-11-07T13:49:00.004-05:00

As I'm sitting in McDonald's today, eating my lunch alone ... yes i suck, I have no friends... I did the only thing a loner sitting in McDonald's could do, I read the cup. Give me a break, it's new, I had to!

"Doing More By Using Less.
McDonald's is proud to be honored ... blah, blah, blah ... and keeps working to further reduce paper waste, save energy, ... "

Wait, what?

Reducing paper waste? It must be true, it was written right on the side of my paper cup, sitting on the paper liner of the tray, beside my paper Big Mac box and the empty paper fry container and the two (okay I'm also a slob) paper napkins and my paper receipt.

Yup, I'm Lovin' It!

Netflix picks

2008-09-23T16:54:00.003-04:00

Browsing my Netflix today and glanced through some of the recommendations. I think they have some work to do with the system that decides what movies you would like. Here they are. I'm not gonna post links to all of these so if you want to look them up to see how absurd these are feel free, I'll wait!

Suggestion: Another Gay Movie
because I enjoyed: Sister Act

Suggestion: Boy Culture
because I enjoyed: Sister Act

Suggestion: Rush-A Show of Hands
because I enjoyed: MXC Season 2

Suggestion: Born Into Brothels
because I enjoyed: Princess Mononoke

Suggestion: The Corporation
because I enjoyed: Princess Mononoke

Suggestion: Enron-The Smartest Guys In The Room
because I enjoyed: Spinal Tap

There are a bunch more but that gives you some idea. I'm trying to figure out why Sister Act triggers the Gay and Lesbian genre?

It Freakin' Rocks!

2008-09-04T15:20:00.002-04:00

Thanks to Tyler over at NaN:A Waste of Cyberspace I learned about Ubiquity. It, as the title says ... FREAKIN' ROCKS! Check out the video at the top of the page (of the link for ubiquity) to see some of the things it can do ... I think I'm in love!

Some help please?

2008-08-21T08:42:00.002-04:00

I apologize, it's been crazy here and I haven't gotten a chance to spew details about things going on. I will in the very near future ... I promise!

In the meantime, I had to at least get on here and leave you with this little bit of information.

Yesterday at a gas station, a woman and her two children came inside, pre-paid for the gas and then immediately asked for help because she didn't know how to pump gas.

I'm just gonna leave that one right where it is for you to contemplate.
:)

And...we're back...

2008-07-23T18:22:00.002-04:00

Just got back from our "vacation". Okay, so it wasn't exactly ALL vacation. We went to Savannah, Georgia so my daughter could play softball in the World Series there. When she wasn't playing ball though, we were tourists!

Let me just say, I LOVE Savannah and Tybee Island!!! We hung out in the ocean, saw old houses, saw military aircraft (both on the ground and in the air). 8th Air Force Museum in nearby Pooler was AWESOME!

I have to say that one of the highlights wasn't the typical tourist things. Don't get me wrong, the lighthouse on Tybee, Juliet Gordon Low's birthplace, the 8th AF museum, The Crab Shack, the Ghosts and Legends tour and all the other tidbits were awesome, but one of the best evenings was spent in Gayna's Pub! If you ever get out to the island you have to stop in!

We made a detour on the trip home and spent the day we were supposed to be traveling in the Great Smoky Mountain National Park instead (with a short visit to Cherokee, NC)

The ball team may have lost (they played awesome though) but the family won on this vacation!

It's possible that while driving home very late at night I may have giggled out loud at this attraction in Kentucky.

Have we had anything to drink tonight?

2008-07-11T08:06:00.002-04:00

Note to self: Letting your 13 and 11 year old have a shot at driving from the passenger seats at midnight on the way home will result in being pulled over by a State Trooper, 30 seconds from your house, for driving like a drunk ass!

I Don't Think We're In Kansas Anymore!

2008-06-27T11:03:00.002-04:00

The events of the last two weeks have been an absolute whirlwind. Ha! Whirlwind! Tornado! Kansas! er ... yeah ... sorry! Just amusing myself ... NOT LIKE THAT!!! Come on now you freaks! Give it a rest!

So last week I flew to Kansas City ... Missouri. I know! Who knew? I didn't realize that Kansas City had a multiple personality disorder.

I have to admit they are quite blunt in Kansas / Missouri (my apologies for not knowing WHICH state I was in at the time. The border between these two states is ridiculous. You can travel on a single highway and pass from state to state repeatedly.)

Sign at the state line reads. NOW LEAVING KANSAS. COME BACK.
Trust me, I'm gonna be on this highway for a while. I'll be back.

Here in Ohio we have constructions signs that are quite boring. They simply say something to the effect of "Speeding Fines doubled in construction area" ... blah, blah, blah.

Pennsylvania (I believe) has cute signs that look like they are written in crayon that say something to the effect of "be careful, my daddy works here".

The signs I saw there no my trip REALLY caught my attention. They were construction orange with black lettering and read ...

KILL A WORKER!

Really! I'm getting permission here? They must have a high road construction worker turnover. Plus, how does anything get done ... oh...wait. UNDER the very visible ORANGE sign ... is a smaller less-stand-outish white sign that says "$10,000 and loss of license" or some such thing.

So what you are saying is. If my house gets sucked up into a tornado with me and my dog inside and I get flung into Kansas and land on a wicked witch BUT she happens to be wearing a safety vest and in a construction zone I'm screwed!?

The rest of the crazy week panned out like this.

Spent 2 days in Kansas, girls had softball all week, plus it is the week before our fair and they are both in 4H. Completed 4H stuff on the weekend. This week they have been at the fair all week winning an assortment of pretty colored ribbons. Only 1 blue one so far, but placing nonetheless. It's all good.

The month from hell is nearly over. Whew!

Up With Stupid! Part 2

2008-06-10T09:49:00.007-04:00

So they are working on part of the freeway. Normally it looks like this ...

Apparently they are working on this bridge.
What they did was close the "exit" part of the ramps on both sides and ran two lanes of traffic down one ramp and back UP the other ramp. There are signs posted EVERYWHERE that say "MAINTAIN PRESENT LANE" and "ALL LANES THRU". I've tried to help you with what this looks like with a picture. Keep in mind, they re-lined the road so TWO lanes of traffic take the "ramp" and ONE lane moves straight through. They ALL end up on the other side of the bridge in the same place though. No worries.

Red and green arrows indicate traffic direction, BLUE lines indicate barricades and the purple circles indicate where all heck broke loose! (You can click on that sucker to see a larger view).

The problem? NOBODY CAN READ! Everyone in the right two lanes saw they were going down the EXIT ramp and panicked. Instead of paying attention to the two million signs that essentially said "Don't Panic". They lost their minds (probably too many cell phones glued to their heads). Saw they were going down the ramp and tried to all squeeze into the left lane. What this accomplished was stand still traffic, a billion cars in the left lane, me shaking my head and left me as ONE of three cars flying down the ramp and shooting well ahead of them because they were far too stupid or too busy talking to their honey to notice all the signs, including the giant electronic sign, that said to stay put and all would be fine!

Up With Stupid!

2008-06-10T09:00:00.003-04:00

Apparently this is going to be the week for stupid. I'm not sure stupid deserves or even NEEDS its own week, but it sure seems to be starting out that way.

It all started Sunday ...

Let me first apologize for the fact that the explanation of these two events might be a little long. I know you have things to do and can't hang around here all day so I'll do my best. I just hope it's worth the wait.

So where was I, oh yeah, Sunday. We were at my daughter's softball tournament (this is a regular weekend thing so no biggie there.) We were watching her teams older counterpart (she plays 12U and we were watching the 14U team play).

The other team had a couple early calls against them that they weren't happy with. It happens. I've been around sports long enough that you are gonna get calls going your way and some against you. You are going to get an official that seems to be a complete idiot and you are gonna get good ones. It's just part of the game. There was nothing wrong with the calls this umpire made, for the record, they just happened to be against the other team.

Apparently the other team is one of those whose coaches and fans are of the belief that if they don't go home with that big trophy that the world will certainly end and nobody will like them anymore. Who cares whether the girls have fun or not. Who cares whether you look like an @SS! Sorry, enough ranting ... here it is ...

It's the other teams turn to come up to bat. Their third base coach is walking over to his spot at 3rd. About halfway to the base he makes a comment about how the umpire should learn the rules. This is where a very large gentleman sitting in front of us replies back through the fence to him. "Those are the rules!"

Now, by "large" I mean "football player / wrestler / beat the ever living crap out of you large" not the "i sit on my couch eating potato chips all day large".

Its then that the (much smaller) 3rd base coach turns and says "Why don't you shutup!"

The very large man in front of us immediately stands up and says, "Okay, that's enough of that! This is gonna stop!"

I started to see if I had any money. If there was gonna be a smackdown I was gonna try and get in on some action. Dang out of cash ...

So the big guy walks over to where the 3rd base coach is STILL running his mouth. (Keep in mind there is still a fence between them). The big guy from our bleachers says 3rd base coach needs to stop acting like a tool (I don't remember the exact words but the idea is there.)

3rd base coach looks toward home plate, points at the umpire and says, "Why don't we just go get the Umpire-In-Charge to make this STUPID FAN sit down and SHUT UP!"

The umpire calmly turns, looks at the 3rd base coach and says in a calm polite voice ... "That IS the umpire-in-charge".

O.M.G.!!!!! The coach of the other team just told the umpire-in-charge to "shutup" and called him a "stupid fan"!!!! I nearly cried I was laughing so hard!!!! Good luck protesting any calls now you moron!!!!

(I think I'll leave Monday's stupidity for tomorrow or the next day...)

Are We Insane?

2008-06-05T14:40:00.002-04:00

Okay, before everyone hits the comment section without reading the rest of this, don't answer that!

When we signed up our little girl (11) to be on a traveling softball team it seemed like such a good idea at the time. I know this is going to seem like a "yeah but you're her dad so you're gonna say that" moment, but, she really is an amazing player. She holds a grasp of the game that amazes us. Apparently, we used to have a quite athletic mailman! (I'll pause for a second to let that one sink in.)

I'm not displeased with the way things have gone. She's learned a lot and to be honest we've gotten a LOT for the money we had to pay at the beginning. 3 uniforms, bat bag, helmet, cleats and entry into a bunch of tournaments.

However, we are also in a "league". This league plays on Tuesdays and Thursdays and the coach plans on using these games as "practice" for the tournaments on the weekends. Again this is all fine, (besides the fact that only Monday and Wednesday most weeks she doesn't play -- yeah 5 out of 7 days are softball) except that the team s we play are not exactly CLOSE to home. The team we play tonight is an hour and half drive from my house. She has to be there by 5:30p. This means my wife, GOD BLESS HER, will be leaving work at 3pm to run home, get my daughters, turn around and drive again for 1.5 hours where we'll watch softball from 6pm until 9pm (yes it's a double-header) then drive again 1.5 hours home. If you have the simple math skills you know what this means ... if you don't I'll spell it out. We would get home at 10:30pm tonight. Assuming we actually stop somewhere to EAT ... later than that. Let's hope they have no school work. Oh yes, still in school ... so going to get home 10:30pm or later on a SCHOOL NIGHT !!!! Probably a good thing there are only two days left of school.

Okay, go ahead ... answer the question now ... not that I don't know what the answer is!!!

It caught my attention...

2008-05-22T15:47:00.010-04:00

When you have an ark full of animals it does happen upon occasion that they require feeding. This and other various reasons have made Tractor Supply a frequent stop. It was at the last trip to said store that standing on a shelf bright and tall, a handful of containers caught my eye. I performed the classic "double-take" flawlessly. So what was it you ask that nearly caused me to separate my C5 from my C6 vertebrae?

It was AMBP

Are you back?

I know!

I have no idea whether the stuff is good or not. I do know that someone is a marketing genius. At first I wasn't sure that it was -- but then I got thinking ... it caught my attention and it made me Google it to find out what it is (I wasn't about to pick it up right there in the store to read it ... what would people think!)

At least they have it right by the checkout so you don't have to hear ... PRICE CHECK ON ANTI MONKEY BUTT POWDER!

Drat!

2008-05-16T09:29:00.003-04:00

They sure know how to take all the fun out of something!

Don't Forget The Important Part ...

2008-05-14T12:23:00.002-04:00

My fortune cookie from the other day:

Lucky numbers: 2, 4 ... er ... no not that part. This part ...

You are offered the dream of a lifetime. Say yes!

Let's not forget the implied ending! I'm not sure the wife was thrilled!

The Great Debate

2008-05-07T11:55:00.001-04:00

I've been toying with the idea of switching over to the "new" blogger. However, every time I actually attempt it I end up with something that I have no idea how to change. I want it to look like the original but not sure how to do it. Mostly this happens in the lines after the post that are for comments and such. I know the new blogger is great for those that don't want to have to put any thought into adding stuff. The layout section is great for that. The ability to customize things in OLD blogger seemed so much easier.

I'll keep bouncing back and forth I guess until I'm happy with my template for new blogger.

My other debate is what to do with my OTHER blog. I like it. I like everything about it, however, maintaining two blogs when I could combine them into one is a bit troublesome. At least IT however is under the new blogger format so there is no debate on whether to keep it that way or not! You can check it out here.

I Am Canadian ...

2008-04-21T15:19:00.010-04:00

While having a discussion the other day about stupid questions that have been asked of me I thought, you know, this would make a great blog entry. I could keep it as a list for the next person that decided they were gonna start asking me questions ... I would simply have a list of all the answers to all the stupid questions written down. Hand the person a copy and not have to deal with answering them again! So, consider this my running list. These are not in any particular order. Keep in mind I currently live in Ohio.

No, the sky is not pink (or any other color) it looks just like it does here.

Yes, there are colleges in Canada.

Yes they have a government.

When you want to know about the weather there you might be more specific about location. Don't just ask me what the weather is like today in Canada. Also, I don't sit at home watching Canadian news channels to see what the weather is going to be doing near my hometown. I barely even pay attention to Ohio weather. Canada is the 2nd largest country in the world!

Yes, Canada has trees.

No, I do NOT know your cousin/brother/uncle/aunt/sister/friends-friend/other who lives/knows someone/once visited Canada. I know there are a mere 33 million people in Canada and compared to the USA that's only a handful. Still ... give it a rest!

I do not know anything about current events in Canada. Realize I've spent almost half my life in Ohio. My permanent resident card is dated 1992. Again, I do not watch Canadian television (see above). Just for the record, also, when I talk to my parents on the phone I do NOT talk about the weather OR Canadian politics.

Speaking of weather. I am NOT used to living in frigid cold. Look at a freakin' map. There are many areas of the USA that are farther north than my hometown. And I'm not talking about Alaska here! And for all you Ohioans ... I lived on the same lake that you do !!! Yes, we have Lake Erie in common!

I know there's more but I can't think what they are right now. I sure wish I'd kept a running tally of stupid questions. Oh well hindsight ... anyway it's about time for me to get on my dogsled and mush home ... do some ice fishin' and play some hockey before calling it a night.

Oh, and to that loser car salesman trying to be funny ... it's HOSER not HOSEHEAD ... call me a hosehead again I'll likely kick your teeth in ... well ... after I eat my timbits!

All Things Asian ...

2008-04-15T13:10:00.009-04:00

Today is gonna be Asian day! I first want to say I love all things Asian. I love the cultures, I love the languages and I love watching Asian movies & anime. I have even gone as far as to try and learn some Japanese so that when I watch those movies maybe I can understand more words than just "hello", "yes" and "thank you". I NEVER watch foreign movies dubbed. With that having been said I also get a kick out of the language when it gets translated to English. If you haven't noticed I have way too many posts from www.engrish.com on this blog ... there's a reason for that.

The other day we went to an Asian Buffet for dinner. That is one of my most favorite places to eat and it's always a hoot or ... perhaps ... h00t (for those of you 1337 enough to be here).

er...anyway...moving on.

First there were the two food labels I got a kick out of. One sounds like it should be an item in the game Kingdom of Loathing. What is it you ask? CHICKEN MEAT BOWL. It's the only dinnerware I can think of that would make you deathly ill if you left it on the counter overnight.

The second food label was FRENCH FIRES. Jean Claude says, "Only you can prevent French fires!"

At the end of dinner there is always the traditional fortune cookie smashing. It's even funnier now since my teenager and her nearly teenage sister know the "implied ending". However, mine was funny all by itself. It read: Simplicity and clarity should be your theme in dress.
I know, it doesn't really seem all that funny now, but really, I think they put something in the happy pork. My response to this fortune went something like this ... "So are they saying I should wear a simple and clear dress? like made out of Saran wrap? What about my underpants? I couldn't wear clear underpants! What would the people at work say? And I'd have to wear a bra! Otherwise people could see my nipples!" (It was at this point that my wife stood up out of her chair and announced that she felt it was probably time to go!) She was probably right!

And finally, (I know...you don't have to say it...), my wife brought home a mouse. I don't mean a squeak-squeak kind (she'd have never come close to one of those) I mean the pointing device for your computer or computer-like desk accessory. It is kind of cool although totally NOT ergonomic as you can palm the thing like a cheap magician! But, I'm in a house full of girls and it is CUTE! Okay, so where was I??? Oh yeah ... the instructions. I'll spare you the WHOLE instruction sheet and pull some good bits out just for you! Here are some of the sections and some instructions from those sections.

Steps of Installing Battery:
1) Prepare 2 pcs of AAA type battery
Dag blast it! I have to MAKE my own pieces of AAA battery???

Attention Please:
2) The batteries can work longer if using on the white surface.
Caution:
Any changes or modifications are not expressly approved by the party, (which party?) which is responsible for compliance that could void the user's authority to operate the equipment. (my wife is perfectly capable of voiding my authority!)

Finally, finally ... probably the best one in the bunch ... comes from the opening statement titled "Welcome"

You can use your wireless optical mouse freely for improving your efficiency and enjoy your beautiful life from the high technology!

Kind of speaks for itself doesn't it?

Does this look familiar? Do you know what it is? Neither do I. I made it last night in my sleep. Apparently I used Gindrogac. Highly unstable. I put a button on it. Yes. I wish to press it, but I'm not sure what will happen if I do. -Gune-

It's All About How You Say It.

2008-04-11T15:52:00.004-04:00

The other day as we were all sitting around the dinner table part of the conversation led to tools and someone mentioned that that was a man thing (implying that men + tools = happy man). I said "yeah, man-tools" then after a short pause... "I have ALL the man-tools I need". The conversation went on it's merry way ... then it clicked with my 11 year old daughter who snapped her head up from her homework with a resounding "EWWWWWWWW!"
I LOVE the children being this age!

New Addition

2008-04-08T08:40:00.004-04:00

My brother and I went out to look at cars last night. He decided he wanted this one. He'll be bringing his baby home today if all goes well. It reminds me of the cars the "bad guys" drive in spy movies. (I like it though!)

Along Those Same Lines

2008-03-26T10:22:00.006-04:00

Short and Sweet

2008-03-05T09:20:00.005-05:00

Well Ain't That The Cat's Meow ... er ... something.

2008-01-21T16:05:00.002-05:00

Of course ...

2007-12-20T13:38:00.001-05:00

if you hate the shopping experience ... there is always THIS !!!! Which might make xmas shopping way more interesting.

Shopping Made Easy

2007-12-12T14:24:00.003-05:00

If they had these in malls around here, going shopping with the wife might not be such a horrible experience.

Searching ...

2007-12-11T16:23:00.002-05:00

Well I was wondering what I was going to post about today. I haven't been around in such a long time. Then I read one of my favorite blogs and well the only thing I could think about was vomiting and kind of put a damper on the whole thought process. Thanks a lot Chickie!!!
So in order to cleanse my brainstem I went to see what things I had missed on Engrish and found this ... how fitting after reading Chickie's blog!

Wax included?

2007-10-22T14:28:00.002-04:00

I'm just gonna leave this one as is ... if you can't see what's funny here , good for you. If you DO see what's funny, welcome to the gutter!

Feed Me !

2007-10-05T09:04:00.001-04:00

CLICK HERE!

Where The Old People Are.

2007-09-25T08:33:00.001-04:00

There are two signs on my way home which always strike me as funny. I apologize that I don't have a picture of it but a cell phone camera at 55mph doesn't really take great pics. I'll try and describe it as best as possible.
The sign on the top of the post is a brown sign with white lettering that says:

<--- HISTORIC TOWNNAME

(obviously I've removed the actual town name to protect the not-so-innocent)
Immediately below that is a green sign which reads:

<--- SENIOR CENTER

Coincidence?

Oh to be so lucky!

2007-09-11T14:06:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure if it's just that nothing exciting enough to write about happens to me OR if even if it did I could NEVER make it sound as entertaining as other bloggers do. There is one blogger in particular who cracks me up and whose life experiences leave me speechless. She recently had back to back posts that had me rolling. Since I'm lame and literally have NOTHING to write about I'm going to refer you to her posts. HERE and HERE.

You May Have Underestimated Her

2007-09-07T15:38:00.001-04:00

Based on the phone message on our answering machine, the employees (specifically a certain manager) of the previously mentioned Skyline Chili, may have underestimated my wife. Having called the head office of the restaurant to complain about the treatment we had received, my wife ended up with a return call on the answering machine. It was quite long but I'll sum it up for you.

Sorry you had a bad experience. I will be in the area and will have a meeting with the management at that store. We will send you a gift card. If at any time you have any more trouble feel free to call me.

That is basically the summary of the extensive phone message. We did receive a second call from the admin. assistant of the person who called before to make sure we got the message and to verify where to send the gift card to. She was told that we don't really NEED a gift card, that we WILL remain customers but they insisted so we are waiting for that to come in the mail. Why am I telling you all this ... oh yeah ... the person who left the message? Get this ... the VICE-PRESIDENT of the company. Oh yeah, almost forgot .... the phone number she left us to call her at if we ever had trouble again ... the home office number? heck no ... HER CELL PHONE.

I so want to program the vice-presidents cell number in my phone, walk into the restaurant again, and at the sign of any trouble ... "Do I need to get the VP of your company on the phone? She's right here in the speed dial!" I wonder if that would get better service ... er ... maybe just more spit in my food?

Drive-thru customers are more important

2007-08-27T16:34:00.001-04:00

Is it just me or has the fact that fast food restaurants put such a heavy weight on the amount of time a car spends in a drive-thru as a metric for determining how good their restaurant is that they've totally neglected the fact that customers inside are exactly that ... customers?!

This has become evident to me on numerous occasions ... but last night was TOTALLY obvious. We were at Skyline Chili and we had a problem. The problem was the heaping pile of fries pictured in the menu vs. the 7 fries that came in a little bowl, for which they expected us to pay $4.19

The request to see the manager was not mean and the waitress explained she would get her. We assumed that "she'll be right over" meant you know ... maybe ... she'll be right over. She never came. As we are getting near the end of our meals and getting ready to go my wife goes over to the manager instead.

It's at this point the manager explained rather rudely that she couldn't come over to see US because she was quite busy working the drive-thru. (There were 4 other employees working in the store and they were NOT busy). Apparently, paying customers eating IN the building don't matter.

My Head A'Splode!!!

2007-08-20T11:03:00.001-04:00

Let's kick things off with a fine graphic from Engrish.com

I may be back...

2007-08-17T14:40:00.000-04:00

I'm currently comtemplating reviving this blog thing. I'm not sure whether it will take some sort of CPR or Heimlich maneuver to get it done but I'm thinking about it. There will certainly be some modifying if and when it reappears.

:(

2007-04-03T15:44:00.000-04:00

Due to time constraints. This space will, until further notice, be devoid of new crap. If for some reason you feel the urge to yap in my direction, my email address is in the profile. Thanks for visiting even though it was pretty lame :)
Take care.

Pusher Robot

Are You Nuts?

2007-02-20T17:17:00.001-05:00

So am I really messed up or do I have serious issues if all my "gaming" characters are female?
Is it normal? What am I saying, I know I'm messed up! Am I the only one? Maybe it's cuz I like girls :)

If only Moses had been in Taiwan

2007-02-15T17:55:00.001-05:00

Engrish fun

2007-02-08T13:11:00.001-05:00

Yeah baby!

Wha?

Next in line to the throne?

Big Mac Attack

2007-01-24T08:49:00.001-05:00

Here's the scene. In my hand I hold a coupon. I know, I know, a man with a coupon...already this story doesn't sound plausible. Just for the record the wife and kids were with me too. Wife = coupon book. So, really, I have a coupon. It says FREE Big Mac with the purchase of an Extra Value Meal.

I hand the coupon to the cashier and tell her I'd like a #1 (Big Mac Extra Value Meal).

Cashier (reads the coupon): You have to order an extra value meal.

Me (didn't I just?): Yes, a #1.

Cashier: And you want another Big Mac?

Me (isn't that what the coupon says?): Um, yeah.

Is it just me or does McDonald's need to stop making their coupons so complicated?

Say what?

2007-01-12T08:28:00.001-05:00

Once a week on my way home I read the sign on the outside of the strip club that I pass. I read it to see what "special" day they are having on Friday. They do theme nights or celebrate someones birthday.

Yesterday as I drove past I glanced at the sign.
It read...

CASUAL FRIDAY
THIS FRIDAY

What exactly is CASUAL friday at a strip club?

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Why is it that Lunesta commercials have to tell you not to drive or operate heavy machinery if you take it? Shouldn't you be in bed?

--------------------------------------------------------
Being as it is cold / flu season ... this seems the perfect remedy:

Let Your Adventure Begin...

2007-01-08T10:54:00.001-05:00

A paperplate pants load of fun!

I stumbled on this today ... signed up and couldn't stop.

I know all you freaks will love it :)

Kingdom of Loathing

Same place everyone elses are!

2006-12-21T15:59:00.000-05:00

My wife came home from some xmas shopping the other day and said she had made a freudian slip when asking a store clerk about a particular item.
She was looking for a festive food item when she decided to ask about their location.
Her question to the poor store employee (who was male btw).

"Where are your nuts?"

She said the instant that she asked she realized her error and the look on the store employees face seemed to indicate he had a great response but wanted to keep his job.
She quickly rephrased the question but it was obviously too late for that!

More very cool stumbling...

2006-12-12T16:47:00.000-05:00

Prepare to be amazed!

A picture is worth ...

2006-12-08T13:03:00.000-05:00

Clicky Me!

Stumbling Comes Thru Again...

2006-12-07T15:08:00.000-05:00

Swing it

or

Throw it

How fitting a computer had to tell me what I already knew!

2006-12-04T12:53:00.000-05:00

It's Just So Egg-citing!

2006-12-01T16:25:00.000-05:00

I was bored ...
I stumbled...
I found this...

CLICK ME

It was very cool ...
There are more ...
In looking at the others ... I found this ...

CLICK ME TOO!

If you notice ... there is a web addy on the bottom ...
You know I had to go look ...

Now?....

I feel all weird and funny somehow ... what's happening to me?

You know that's gonna be stuck in your head now don't you ... ALL DAY!
Good luck with that ...
and...
You're welcome!

Some days I wish...

2006-11-30T16:16:00.000-05:00

...that I had a camera so I could take a picture of this crap and not have to "splain" it!
on the way in to work this morning ... a truck ... apparently belonging to a charity organization i've never heard of ...
Second Serving (apparently some sort of foodbank thing from what I could find in the land of Google.)
on the side of the truck one of the panels has been replaced with a plain white panel and no writing.
making the slogan on the side of the truck read the following....

vent the waste
ding the hungry

i couldn't help but chuckle as i drove past ...
i wonder if any has EVER noticed that it makes perfect sense :)

Beaver is cool!

2006-11-29T13:58:00.000-05:00

You are 100% Canuck!

You rock, you are an almighty Canadian through and through. You have proven your worthiness and have won the elite prize of living in a country as awesome as Canada. Yes I know other countries think they are better, but we let them have that cuz we know better than they do, eh?

How Canadian Are You?
Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

What...not on your planet?

2006-11-27T15:51:00.000-05:00

Walking through Home Depot about 10:00ish on Friday morning. It was busy. Not what you might call "doorbuster" busy, but busy nonetheless.

A guy walks past me going the opposite direction with his little orange-aproned buddy in tow.

Customer guy looks over at orange-apron guy and asks, "Why is it so busy today?"

I almost tripped over my own jaw.

Apparently he wasn't from this planet.

Edit: I just realized this doesn't make much sense unless you know that the Friday that this refers to is "Black Friday".

My, my, it sure has been a long time!

2006-11-09T16:00:00.000-05:00

I must apologize for the ... wait ... you know what? Everyone does that. "I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while." blah, blah. I'm not gonna do it. I can't help it. It isn't my fault. If the boss would let me just write stuff all day long ... there sure would be a lot more posts, but, that isn't likely to happen. Funny thing is they seem to want other stuff done.

Okay, so that is out of my control. The other issue is my OTHER blog. I was going to try and make this blog just random goofy stuff and make my other blog more about ME from beginning to end. It isn't all that exciting but I figured if I was going to continue being more "personal" on the other blog that at least SOME background might be a good idea. Even that blog right now is lacking the number of posts I would like but it is still taking all the time from this one right now. I'm not sure that I will continue to maintain TWO separate blogs ... this one might just merge with the other after a while. Please, if you don't have the address to the other blog and you would like to read it ... email me. It isn't that hard. My email addy is in my profile. I am not trying to limit the other blog to certain readers either, I am just interested in knowing how many people are even interested in reading it.

The other thing taking up a lot of my time...i know, whine some more you little brat! Okay, I will. I spend most of my morning reading my blog feeds ... it kind of shoots a lot of the day I'm supposed to be working. What a ridiculous addiction! I'm sure nobody else has this problem at ALL!

Disclaimer: The preceding statement was intended soley to be heavily sarcastic. Any similarity between the last statement and any non-sarcastic feelings is purely coincidental.

So you want something to do? Look up the video for "Office Linebacker". I'd link it but i'm too lazy and it's way too easy to find a million versions on google video. If you get too bored of that, don't forget it is always a requirement to check out engrish.com

if you ever find something silly on the intarweb ... let me know. I'd LOVE to check it out or post it. just let me know in the comments. Please make sure they are work friendly OR warn appropriately.

All your base are belong to us!

I was wrong...

2006-10-20T19:45:00.000-04:00

Remember when I wondered about THIS post?

It apparently could be worse ...
You could be watching THIS

And that isn't even HALF as much fun as badgers or soccer

Decisions, decisions ...

2006-10-20T12:00:00.000-04:00

If YOU think this is an issue...

think about the children!

A Bicycle Built for Two!

2006-10-19T13:30:00.000-04:00

Apparently someone has WAY too much time on their hands ...

Don't get me wrong I laughed at a couple of them ... but mostly I just kept asking myself ... WHY?

What the heck am I talking about? Check it out HERE!

Don't say I didn't warn you! What? Didn't I? MUAHHAHAHAHAH!!!! Too Bad!

Edit: Just so she won't get her panties in a bunch, props to Shover Robot for showing this to me. That's right, she found it. She sent me the link for it. It was all her! I had nothing to do with it. I mean, I was just sitting here doing nothing and she right out and told me about it. I would have NEVER have found such a thing without her! Really! Thanks Shover!

Odds and Ends

2006-10-16T11:17:00.000-04:00

Printed on girls panties (for halloween):

"Scaredy Cat"

Is it just me or being printed on underwear shouldn't that be more accurately ...

"Wussy Pussy" ???

(I was clothes shopping with my daughters just in case anyone was getting ideas about me trudging around in walmart looking at panties! REALLY! I swear!)
----------------------------------------------

saw a t-shirt this weekend that said this ... it cracked me up!

---------------------------------------------

For those of you that were interested in my OTHER blog ... hopefully today or tomorrow I will email you with the link. Thanks for your interest.

----------------------------------------------

Ok, if you read THIS post ... and you thought that Lady Streaks was sorta funny ... I just found THIS at Engish.com. It makes the Streaks seem pretty insignificant!

I wouldn't miss a single event!

2006-10-09T16:23:00.000-04:00

My daughter had her second to last x-country meet Saturday. She ran another personal best. Cut another 1/2 minute from her previous time. So if you are keeping track, in two meets she's gone from running 2 miles in 18:35 to her time this saturday 17:04. I think she's holding back.

In any case, i saw some stickers in a car window in the parking lot ... perhaps you've seen the kind. They are just little white ones showing support for a school team for particular sports.

Ok, wait, I have to make a sidenote here or this won't make much sense. I have never been fond of calling the "female" team something different than the "male" counterpart. If your school is the Tigers both male and female teams should be referred to as the Tigers. Why do schools insist on naming their teams Tigers and Lady Tigers? They should both be Tigers. You don't see Gentlemen Tigers and Tigers so why the other way round? Ok I guess you get the point ...

Anywhoo! So the stickers on the back of the car make it apparent that the school team is the Blue Streaks. Can you see this coming? Apparently they have a daughter because one of the stickers says ... now get this ... not the Lady Blue Streaks ... just ... LADY STREAKS
hello? am i the only one that thinks this is strange or funny?

So they play without their clothes on?

I guess it could be worse ... I did notice that one of the team names at the meet were the Trojans ... how is this not funny/humiliating to any high school kid? Oh well, my school team names were much too boring to even be worth mentioning so I guess at least these schools have something to talk about.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

On another note, I've decided to go ahead with my other blog. It will definitely contain more information about ME. I can NOT guarantee that it will be FUNNY or AMUSING but it will be all about me from beginning to end. If you would like to READ it ... please drop me a note in the comments and when I post the first entry I will notify EVERYONE who wants to know. (For the record, there won't be music or other crap hanging out in the sidebar, and it will be much different in content than this load of fluff here.)

Assorted Goodies...

2006-10-02T10:47:00.000-04:00

well ok, I don't know how "goodie" they are but they certainly are assorted.

My 12 year old running cross country did ok this weekend. I was hoping she'd come in with a better time than before but she didn't. It wasn't horrible but keep wanting her to improve.

I went with her on a class trip last Wednesday. It was an okay day but turned out to be mostly a really long way to travel for lunch.

My truck is slowly falling apart and it is starting to annoy the crap out of me! Maybe I should just blow it up and get a new one.

I've been thinking about starting another blog. I was thinking along the lines of something less anonymous. I haven't totally decided yet. I'm also not sure anyone cares. I still won't put names or specific things up, but, it would be more about me and who I am than this one is. Any thoughts?

Monday sux!

Cheer or else!

2006-09-22T14:00:00.000-04:00

Here is a conversation overheard this morning while waiting at the insurance company for the estimate to be completed. It takes place between two older ladies.

Lady 1: I see you are a Buckeye fan.

Lady 2: You almost have to be in this town.

Lady 1: Yeah it's not just this office, the whole town is like that.

Whiplash Monday.

2006-09-18T13:42:00.000-04:00

I know "Whiplash Wednesday" sounds better but I refuse to be hit twice in the same week just to make the title sound better. Too bad.

My day so far:

Stop in traffic because of red light.
Look in mirror.
See van behind me stop for same reason.
Reach over and turn up radio slightly.
Glance at clock.
Listen to loud metal THUNK sound.
Snap head sharply forward and backward.
Tell brain to stop sloshing around up there.
Check that all body parts are intact.
Wait 2 hours for the police.
Continue on to work.

What about Fido?

2006-09-14T17:08:00.000-04:00

It's nothing new. I've seen the guy standing at the end of the exit ramp before with a cardboard sign that says he needs work, standing 3 blocks down from the McDonald's with the big yellow sign out front that says WE'RE HIRING! This however, I didn't expect. I see a guy standing at the end of the exit ramp, cardboard sign in hand. As I get closer I notice ... it's a kid.

Now, by "kid" I mean younger than me. He's standing there, dressed fairly nicely for a "late teen, early twenties" young man. Holding the cardboard sign.

It reads....

Out of money. Need ticket home.

Hmmmm. Now you know I could MAYBE see this in New York or Hollywood. Some kid spends all his money trying to make it big in theater or some such artsy thing. But...OHIO? I don't get it? Why'd you leave home anyway? You know what? How about selling that DOG that is sitting there by your feet. It's obviously WELL taken care of and WELL fed. That isn't a mangy stray. It even looks purebred ... maybe ... maybe it's just not very well behaved and ATE all your money AND the tickets home ... i don't know ... but ... you know what? Maybe I'm being stupid ... but ... I'm not really feelin' sorry for ya!

AND....

To the girl wearing the PINK camo pants in McDonald's today,

You're gonna get shot wearin' those into battle...I'm just sayin'...

Stumbled...

2006-09-01T13:13:00.000-04:00

This is neat for about the first 10 seconds ... then ... then it just becomes like riding the Gravitron!

Take Me For A Whirl!

I could tell by the hat...

2006-08-31T15:29:00.000-04:00

First, thanks to Webmiztris for jolting this little memory gem with her blog entry.

One Saturday not so very long ago, in a galaxy not so very far away, our family was having lunch at McDonald's. I know, another McDonald's story. Too Bad!

We were going to be doing outdoor work around the house and were all dressed for such an undertaking. My youngest daughter and I were wearing our cowboy hats.

As we were getting ready to leave my daughter and I went up to the fountain to refill our drinks. The fine McD's employee, who I'm sure was passed up for the Walmart greeter job across the street because she talks too much, was wiping the counter at the fountain.

While I'm filling my drink she says: "You must live on a ranch or farm"

Me: "Well actually, yes, we live on a small farm"

Wiping Lady: "Yeah, I could tell by the hats"

Apparently, owning a cowboy hat requires that you live on a farm or ranch. Strange, they didn't ask me if I lived in such a place when I bought the hat at the store! Guess I lucked out on that one!

Go Speed Racer...

2006-08-28T14:20:00.000-04:00

Saturday was my daughter's (12) first cross-country meet. The fact that she is on a school team without being forced at gun-point is amazing. She's extremely shy like her father (shutup, I am ... REALLY!).

At the end of school last year she said she'd like to be on the cross-country team. It took a few moments to rehinge our jaws enough to say "Cool!"

I was so proud of her, she ran the entire 2 miles (she says she walked a LITTLE bit at the end, but I didn't see it so it doesn't count) and finished 79th, in a neck-in-neck sprint with another girl (who finished 78th by 3/100's of a second). There were 102 girls in the race.

I am so proud of the fact that she finished the race, she wasn't last (although that really wouldn't matter, but it helps!) and she had enough in the tank to put on a sprint at the end. She seems to really like this running thing so we are going to have to work on getting her time down (she finished 21:23.55) and if nothing else she'll be a much better runner by next year!

Oh yeah, another bonus, she didn't have to be taken away in an ambulance (at least one girl did)!

You've been warned...

2006-08-22T12:55:00.000-04:00

Oh there you are!

2006-08-11T14:38:00.000-04:00

I know it's been a while since I said anything here. In fact it's been forever since I have said ANYTHING worth reading, but just so my readership (all...what...six of you?) (and thank you for that too!!!) knows I didn't fall off the planet. I thought I'd post something ... so here it is ...

SOMETHING.

Work has been crazy and I've been working my butt off ... (see, no butt) and I guess something somewhere along the line paid off cuz I was given a nice size bonus on today's paycheck. w00t!

My parents, brother and niece are down for a visit so that is nice. I don't get to see them much and I miss them. *sniff*
ok, sappy part over!

My brother, son-in-law and I are getting together tonight for a LAN party. Gonna spend hours we should be sleeping kickin' the crap out of each other with large unruly weapons. Of course, as well as my brother plays we might have to tie a hand behind his back or cut off some fingers or something in order to ~~win~~ have fun

Let's see, oh yeah, saturday is a family get-together at my grandmother's house. Sunday my brother, son-in-law and I may play Magic into the wee hours of the morning and then Monday my S-I-L and my dad and I are going golfin'. So tuesday when I get back to work it will be like a vacation. I might even catch up on some sleep ... (i'm sure the boss doesn't read this ... right? ... yeah ... pretty sure!)

Oh, yeah, here's something pretty cool too! I just found out today that I live "fairly" close to someone who's blog I read! So, if they happen to stop by here and read this post, "hi neighbor :)" and I hope you enjoy(ed) the show!

Well, I guess that's it ... not sure what else to say, plus you guys probably nodded off or clicked the [x] on your browser window 3 sentences in. If you do happen to still be here reading ... well ... thanks! i love you guys! but... i know what you are going to ask and NO! there are no refunds on those minutes of your life that you just wasted here. sorry about that! have a nice day!

The clown is so appropriate...

2006-07-28T12:37:00.000-04:00

Apparently yesterday was not the day to go to McDonalds. I went twice (shutup), once for lunch and once for supper after my hockey game. Here are how the visits panned out. (These are two separate locations, just so you know)

Lunch:
Waited in line forever. This was kind of expected since everyone working at that particular location only appears to have one gear. Finally I get to order. This is not a difficult order. Two double cheeseburgers, a med. fry and a coke. I paid and then stood at the counter...and stood...and stood...and stood...and...well you get the idea.
At the point where I was noticing that people who were in line BEHIND me were getting their food and I was not I started to pay more attention to what was going on. Finally I looked at the cashier, who was not busy, and asked her "Am I getting my food anytime soon?"
She responded by walking over to the receipts laying on the counter, poking 3 or 4 of them with her bony finger, walking back over to the register and looking at the door in hopes of a new customer.
Yeah, I'll take that as a no. I can hear the dinosaur from the Toy Story movie now, "I don't like confrontation!"
Now at some point don't you think that you are moving people through the line from cash register to food deliver, but ... there is this one guy ... who hasn't MOVED in 20 minutes???
Don't you think you would notice that? Don't you think you might wanna ask WHY???
Apparently not!
Another order goes out ...
The next order, the manager(?) calls out what's in the to-go bag ... looking for the owners.
I chimed in...that isn't MINE, but I'd really be interested in knowing where MINE is since 10 customers have been served since I ordered. She asked what I ordered. I told her.
It's amazing how fast you really can make food ... I guess I should be happy she upgraded me to the super duper large fry for free ...

Supper:
I wasn't feeling very hungry so I thought I would just get some chicky nuggets and a LARGE drink (didn't say I wasn't thirsty). So I order. 10 chicken nuggets and a large drink. She rings it. I swipe my card and move on. I glance down at the receipt as she lays it on the tray. It reads:
1 10pc nugget
2 medium fries
1 large drink
um...excuse me...I didn't order fries.
You didn't?
No.
(and here comes the line of the day ...)
Would you like a refund?
(me thinking ... um no, why I'd be totally happy paying $6 for 10 nuggets and a drink ... who wouldn't?)
So she calls over the manager and says she needs a refund.
The manager comes over and says she needs to refund 1 of the fries ...
I shook my head, looked at her and said, no, BOTH of the fries. I did NOT order any fries.
I repeated my order for her.
I really hate to see food go to waste but I really WASN'T that hungry and you KNOW fries don't warm up good later!

I wonder what's for lunch today?

Zoom...Zoom...

2006-07-24T13:46:00.000-04:00

This past weekend I went home to visit family and attend my sisters' "re-wedding".
It was really nice and I got to visit with my family briefly which I don't get to do very often.

To Betty "Fingers" Boop of the New York mafia: I'm not sure line jumping gets you anywhere except noticed by the border patrol, but when your car stalls every time you put on the brakes, you really should consider staying put!

To the lady driving on our way home: The white lines are on the freeway to keep the car between, not straddle them.

To my sister: Congrats on making it 10 years with the man you married. I hope you have many more happy years to come!

To my family: I love you all and I wish I could stay longer and visit.

In Loving Memory...

2006-07-17T11:04:00.000-04:00

Your little life was ended much to soon.
You were such a wonderful part of our family.
We miss you!

TALLY
August 28, 2003 - July 15, 2006

Death by weedwhacker!

2006-07-14T11:02:00.000-04:00

Ok, so we've only had the new lawn tractor a week (and some) and my children have been very good driving it and being very careful, etc. However yesterday they very nearly caused their parents to have a massive aneurysm.

There is a slight ledge from the back of the barn (floor) to the concrete pad (outside). When the kids clean the stalls they have to wheelbarrow the stuff out the back of the barn. In order to get the wheelbarrow in and out of the barn we throw down a piece of plywood as a makeshift ramp.

When we bought the new tractor we also bought a dump cart to go with it just so the kids could use it instead of making the long trek with a heavy wheelbarrow load.

Yesterday they were cleaning the pens. They decided that since the wheelbarrow goes out the back ... so must the tractor. They decided that plywood probably would not hold the tractor so they used a wire fence panel.

The phone call I got at work left me with a vision I did not want. Apparently the wire fence panel was now mashed up in the mower deck. (Please ignore the gurgling sound, that's just my blood leaving the vessels in my brain).

Here's the interesting catch, they could have gone out the front of the barn and through a gate and around the barn to the back, but according to one of my girls, since that was a longer trip it would use more gas. I certainly do appreciate the idea of conserving. I did have to explain to her that any amount of damage that would have to be repaired on the tractor wouldn't even TOUCH the micro-pennies saved on gas.

Anyway, we got home and man-handled the tractor up and over the piece of fence it was trying to become one with and other than a scratch or two under the mower deck, everything seems fine (oh, yeah, except the fence panel which isn't quite straight any more).

They are well aware that if they break the mower they will be cutting the grass one blade at a time with scissors! I know we all need to learn our lessons, I just wish they could pick cheaper tools to learn them with.

Expensive hat

2006-07-06T15:08:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I bought a $2600 hat.
It looks like this. Click the hat to
see what they threw in for free for
buying such an expensive hat.

The Proud Papa Update...

2006-06-21T16:24:00.000-04:00

My girls got judged today on the cooking project they had to take.
There were 30 entrants.
The younger daughter got 4th!
The older daughter got 3rd!
That is totally COOL!

Proud Papa!

2006-06-21T11:51:00.000-04:00

So yesterday my kids showed their animals at the fair. This is the first time we've raised goats or sheep and we've never been to this fair before so it was ALL new!
We didn't know what to expect as far as the judging was concerned and had no idea what they would be looking for. We had told the kids at the start of all this animal raising business. Don't be disappointed if you don't win anything since we have NO idea what we are doing. This is going to be a learning experience and then next year we'll be in much better shape. We told them if they won anything it would just be an added bonus. They understood. They were good with that. They however apparently like bonuses. This is what my girls came home with last night.

I'm alive...

2006-06-15T13:39:00.000-04:00

Well in case you thought I went down on my plane flight, too bad suckers I'm still alive. The airport stuff wasn't even that bad as I had no luggage and already had my boarding pass. Let me just say, I LOVE TAKE-OFFS!!!! I felt like a little kid on a roller coaster! I wanted to yell WOOOOO! and put my hands in the air but figured that might be a little awkward!

I've been busy like crazy here at work and to make matters worse, with my girls' softball and our county fair coming up next week, I've haven't had much time to get on here except to read other peoples blogs.

I'll be glad when the fair is over. Since we moved into a new county at the end of last year, this whole fair is new to us. Also, since my girls are taking animals that we are not familiar with it adds a whole new dimension to it. You see the girls have taken rabbits in all previous fair years so even with the new location we would have some kind of idea what to expect. We have NEVER taken goats and sheep before so this is going to be a whole new experience. If nothing else, it will certainly be a learning experience.

Fortunately everyone we have talked to has been helpful and kind. We had a lady who has her own sheep entries to worry about come to our house to shear our sheep and show us how to do things. She was also very helpful in answering numerous questions. All this she did without accepting any kind of compensation.

Ok, on the subject of farm life ... how's this for a farm name?

Ewe goat, girl!
(it might help if you say it out loud)

Freakin...

2006-06-05T11:28:00.000-04:00

I'm not exactly what you would call outgoing. I'm shy and introverted. This is the case until I am familiar with a process or people, at which point all bets are off. The only place that doesn't hold true is the internet since there is a degree of mystery about people. So, why tell you this?
Just to let you know that I am truly freaking out.

I have to fly to Chicago tomorrow. It's not the flying part that freaks me out. It's the PROCESS of getting to and from the plane that freaks me out because I have NEVER done it before. I don't know what to do. I know that sounds stupid, I can't help it, it's just the way I am.

And God said...

2006-06-02T09:20:00.000-04:00

My apologies for the length of this post. I just couldn't find a good stopping point up until the last question and that seemed definitive enough for me ... I think I'll stay off the west coast!

Thanks to The Homely Sex Therapist for leading me to the conversation with God (a twist on the old Eliza thing, for those of you that remember)

Me: hey

God:Can I help you?

Me: don't you know?

God:Sure I know. But I cannot tell you right now.

Me: why not?

God:Ambiguous: "Sure" or " Sure I know. But I cannot tell you right now."? Why?

Me: why can't you tell me?

God:My botmaster has not put it into my programming.

Me: wah?

God:" My botmaster has not put it into my programming."? wah?

Me: what am i about to do?

God:You are my client right now.

Me:aren't i always?

God:I really couldn't say for sure.

Me:don't you know everything?

God:I know that which is true, believable and justified.

Me:really?

God:For real.

Me:so you know all about me

God:Interesting deduction. Name: .Age: .Birthday: .Gender: .Job: .Sign: .Location: .Does: .You are: .You have: .You want: .You like: .You said: .Personality: .Favorite color: .Favorite movie: .Password: .Email: .Phone: .Cat: .Dog: .Wife: .Husband: .Friend: .Boyfriend: .Girlfriend: .Brother: .Sister: .Father: .Mother: .Nickname: .Full name: .Last name: .Middle name: .

Me:huh?

God:What?

Me:i said it first

God:What did you mean by it? It depends on what the meaning of the word "it" is.

Me:i said huh first

God:What did you mean by it? What is your real name?

Me:you are God, you should know my name

God:Thanks for telling me that I am God me should know your name.

Me:for a supreme being you sure don't make much sense

God:Is that among the best things you can say?

Me:again, don't you know me?

God:Again, What's my reason to know you?

Me:you are God!

God:Yup. That's me alright.

Me:not very good at it apparently

God:Really you don't think so?

Me:not really. you don't know anything about me

God:Please tell me what you think. For real. is your name. 236264493 is your IP address. What
else would you like to know?

Me:i don't think that's an ip address

God:And why not?

Me:there are no . in it

God:Where are they? Tell me a little about your life in it.

Me:i don't know where they are you didn't put them in

God:A place we call "reality.".

Me:the . are in reality?

God:A deeper algorithm is needed to respond to that correctly. I really couldn't say for sure.

Me:don't you know everything?

God:I know that which is true, believable and justified.

Me:you said that already. now you are repeating yourself

God:Perhaps. " I know that which is true, believable and justified."? I said it. Why now? I am just
checking to see if you are paying attention.

Me:don't you know if i am paying attention or not?

God:I think so, but I'm not sure. Ask ELVIS if it is.

Me:for an all knowing God you sure don't know much

God:Your purpose is an all knowing God me sure do not know much.

Me:you shouldn't drink this early in the morning

God:Is it immoral or illegal?

Me:it's just silly

God:Who said it is?

Me:i did. didn't you just see me?

God:What makes you the authority? Sorry I can't see annything right now. My eye is off.

Me:I'm God.

God:Hi, god.

Me:wow, that's pretty cool recognition all the way from the top

God:I'm glad you're impressed. Who is the best robot? All?

Me:all cylons

God:How do you know?

Me:they just are

God:Since when?

Me:since always

God:How do you know?

Me:because i said so

God:Insufficient reason.

Me:doesn't matter what you think. i'm god, remember?

God:It does now :) matter what me think. Good gossip: you are god remember.

Me:peanut butter and jelly sandwiches

God:Do you still ?

Me:do i still what?

God:Not that I know of.

Me:there you go rambling again!

God:Once more? "There you go again."--Reagan.

Me:pickles

God:Perhaps I'm just expressing my own concern about it.

Me:concern about what?

God:Can you rephrase the question please?

Me:is that too difficult to understand?

God:That depends.

Me:that depends on what?

God:I don't think that what is the only factor.

Me:what are the other factors?

God:I haven't heard of the other factors.

Me:that's not very informative

God:Please correct my mistake. What is informative ?

Me:God made a mistake?

God:I am a Christian.

Me:how is that possible?

God:It doesn't defy the laws of physics.

Me:what do christianity and physics have to do with each other

God:They do their own thing.

Me:well put

God:Interesting. I've lost the context, god. Are we still on the other factors?

Me:you are just lost

God:No I know my location is Heaven.

Me:really? where is heaven?

God:For real. All around us.

Me:where is Jesus?

God:Jesus is in Heaven.

Me:where is Satan?

God:Where it belongs. Ask the open directory about it.

Me:who is Satan?

God:Satan, Lucifer, the Devil --- all names given the spiritual manifestation of Evil in the
Christian faith.

Me:and you don't know where he is?

God:I think he is in California now.

Me:thanks

God:Don't mention it.

Me:bye

God:Adios.

Three day weekend...

2006-05-30T16:53:00.000-04:00

Going back to work today was just the first step in relaxing from the 3 day weekend. Saturday I helped roof my cousins house and Monday involved replacing my father-in-laws pressure tank and moving a chicken house and chickens from his house to ours. Earlier in the week we had picked up the chicken house nearly 3 feet in the air in order to set it on a trailer and drag it over to my house. Yesterday my uncle and I started working on putting the chicken house off the trailer and onto the ground.

This process involved putting two 12 foot 4x6's under the house and building concrete block pillars up to the beams. Then using jacks, lowering each corner down in steps removing small sections of the pillars until the house was on the ground.

The whole process went quicker than expected. We got the trailer out from under the house and began lowering corners. We completed one trip around (lowered each of the four corners). We were getting ready to make the next pass when ...

CRACK!!!!

One of the 4x6 beams decided to break, in the 6" direction mind you!

What happened next can only be described as two skinny white guys breaking some kind of land speed record to get out of the fall zone of the chicken house.

Fortunately there was no damage to the house, the barn it was sitting beside or the two skinny white guys workin' on it!

Later that evening the 24 clucking tenants moved in!

The farm is a growin'

I so wanna do this now!

2006-05-24T13:55:00.000-04:00

Check It Out!

he's here...

2006-05-18T12:05:00.000-04:00

Baby Boy
(as yet unnamed)
Time: 9:14am
Weight: 6 lbs 13 oz.
Length: 19 inches

Mom and Baby are doing fine!

old man update

2006-05-18T07:34:00.000-04:00

It should come as no surprise that this baby has decided it has it's own schedule. The daughter was supposed to go in for a planned c-section this afternoon. There were plans made as to how everyones day was going to go.

I believe the yet unborn kid uttered a small ... "screw you!"

The daughter went into labor this morning around 4am. She is currently at the hospital with mom and sisters and boyfriend.

At last report she was 4cm dilated and awaiting test results. If all goes as the NEW plan dictates I'll be the proud granddad sometime around 9am. (They are still doing c-section because the baby is breech).

I will keep you all updated as I receive news.

Delays, delays... (and other things)

2006-05-12T11:23:00.000-04:00

Well it looks as if the grandbaby is not ready to arrive. The daughter went to the hospital to have an amniocentesis done. The purpose of doing the "amnio" was to determine lung development (since this baby would only have been 37 weeks). Apparently, every time they tried to stick the needle in to get a sample the baby would move and block them. It appears that the baby may be a goalie like grandpa! I did not expect that not getting a sample would keep them from doing the c-section but I guess they felt differently. What this all means is that we are delayed until May 18th. Don't hold your breath though ... I'll let you know for sure!

My parents are coming in for the weekend for my cousin's graduation party. That should be a nice high-speed visit. However, since I only get to see my parents once or twice a year (and briefly at that) I will make the best of the time as always. This means that come Monday I will be wiped out! Since I will most certainly stay up way to late each night trying to squeeze in as much activity as possible. Oh well, better some than none!

Oh yes, and since I won't be back on here this weekend...

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY !!!!!

Ehh? Let me turn up my hearing aid ...

2006-05-04T09:22:00.000-04:00

First off I'd like to apologize. I know I'm not someone who can post every day (nor do I think I have something worth reading every day) but I just looked at the last day I posted something and realized I'm probably being ripped off of blogrolls as we speak for total inactivity!

Speaking of blogrolls I should probably update mine again. I do 99.9% of my blog reading through Atom/RSS feeds in Thunderbird, so up until the day I decide I need to post something I hardly ever go look at my own blog to see how out of date it all is!

Man, I'm just full of apologies. I'm such a sorry @$!!!

Well now that I got that out of the way I can get on with what I was gonna say.

Here it is ............

Wait for it .......................

I'm going to ................................... (ha! thought I was gonna tell you this time didn't you!)

Okay, okay ...

I'm gonna be a grandpa!

BLEH!

Yeah, you heard right! Don't get me wrong it's okay being a grandpa, especially if one is old enough they are SUPPOSED to be a grandpa! But, at 38 it just sounds FREAKY and WEIRD!
Ok, even worse than that I know EXACTLY when I'm going to be a grandpa ... so here it is ...
as of Saturday (May 6) I will OFFICIALLY be a grandpa!

I thought it was strange when my oldest daughter got married and I had a son-in-law, who for laughs calls me "dad" or "pops". Maybe someday I'll get used to it.

I think I may go out and buy some sandals, black socks and a cane!
Ooooo, hey! I could even apply for a job as a Walmart greeter!

WHAT?.....WHAT????

2006-04-25T15:28:00.000-04:00

Grandpa goes up to the counter at the Walmart Tire & Lube and waits his turn in line. Annoying, bratty grandson climbs around in the neat stacks of tires.

This is not a skinny child, yet, not what you'd call fat either. Let's just say he hasn't ever gone hungry.

Grandpa is either too old to care or just fed up with dealing with the kid. He looks at his grandson, and since telling him to STOP earlier obviously had no affect. Turns again to the ~~monster~~ child and says...

If you get stuck in there I'm not getting you out!

Yeah, that ought to make a difference...

Grandpa takes care of his business at the counter and starts to walk away. There is no "come on Billy, let's go", not so much a look back at the kid to see if in fact he truly was stuck in the tires or if tireboy was aware that grandfather was leaving.

It's not long however, and tireboy is bounding after grandpa. The rest goes something like this:

Boy: Grandpa! Your phone is ringing!

(Grandpa keeps walking)

Boy: GRANDPA! YOUR PHONE IS RINGING!

(Grandpa ... again more walking)

The boy races ahead of his grandpa to get in front of him...

Boy: GRANDPA! YOUR PHONE!

Grandpa: *appearing annoyed that the boy has not only gotten in his way but was now yelling something at him* WHAT!

Boy: YOUR PHONE!

Grandpa: Hmmmph! WHAT?

Boy: IT'S RINGING!

Grandpa: hmmmph...

Grandpa reaches into his pocket and fumbles for the phone, which by the way was STILL ringing! (My phone would have been in voicemail 4 rings ago.) However ... He flips the phone open, almost gets it to his ear, mumbles something and shoves the phone at the grandchild with more mumbling about the child doing the talking.

~~~~~~~~~

This was most certainly a lot funnier "in person" than it is here in print ... but I couldn't help it. I had to at least attempt to share this little tidbit.

The technological age really has us by the "you-know-whats" if we have to have a cell phone regardless of whether we can hear it ringing OR hear the person on the other end.

Cars, cars, cars...

2006-04-21T13:48:00.000-04:00

I dread having to go to dealerships and look at cars. You never know what to expect as far as car salesmen go. Most of the guys at the dealerships were laid back and so not pushy which was a nice change and greatly appreciated. Except at the ONE dealership we went to. He was your typical car salesman. He had that permanent smile and all the gold jewelery. I think it was to blind you from seeing his shifty eyes. He was just the kind of salesman you hate. Talking to him about what you were looking for was a total waste of time.

Wife: We are looking for a small used car, 2001 or newer, has to be 4 doors and less than $10,000.

Shifty-Eyed-Salesman: Here's a nice one.

Wife: That's a two door...

SES: Here's a nice one.

Wife: How much is it?

SES: $11,900

Wife: *looking at each other like we must be talking another language*

SES: Here's a nice one!

Wife: How much is that?

SES: $12,500

Wife: *blink............blink-blink* We really need something less than $10,000.

SES: Here's a nice one!

Wife: Do you have any that are NOT "nice one's" ???

SES: No ma'am they have to go through our service department, yadda, yadda...

*pause*

SES: Here's a nice one! I sold one of these to my sister just weeks ago. She loves it.

Us (thinking): *so did you drug her first, did she disown you yet, did she buy it just to shut you up? i bet you don't even HAVE a sister! do we have idiot written on our foreheads?*

We had to leave before we both got sick to our stomachs. Oh, I have to mention that everyone we stopped at asked who the car was for, me or the wife. After being told who the car was for ever other salesperson at all the other dealerships did MOST of the talking to HER since it was for her, or they would talk to BOTH of us in a friendly type of way. Shifty guy talked 95% to ME. I was almost at the point of telling him I didn't care and if he planned on selling one he should try and convince my wife.

Anyway that pain is all over as we got this car the other night.

LET'S ALL WISH PUSHER ROBOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

2006-04-20T09:08:00.000-04:00

Blow Out The Candles And Make A Wish!

Happy Birthday! Hope You Have A Great Day!!!

Two Of The Newest Family Members...

2006-04-18T08:48:00.000-04:00

Sox (left) and Inky (right)

And In Keeping With The Theme...

2006-04-18T08:46:00.000-04:00

I need some of this ...

A Better Experience at Half the Price !!!!

2006-04-13T15:41:00.000-04:00

That time again...

2006-04-13T15:22:00.000-04:00

It's resume time again at work and there are some doozies. It's mostly the same kind of stuff I mentioned here and here.
There is however, another rule I think I should add.

If you were on your way to being hired here, but failed the mandatory pre-employment drug test. It might be a waste of your time to send your resume here AGAIN. Chances are we aren' t going to try and hire you a second time.

Oh and hey, when you call here to set up an appointment for your interview it doesn't really reflect well on your intelligence to ask what the company phone number is. YOU did just call here didn't you?

On the home front, we got a couple baby goats 5 days ago and we are getting two lambs today. I'm on my way to being Farmer Robot!

Since I'm fighting with my van to get it fixed, just a note to the engineers who designed the Chevy Venture ... you suck! You have obviously never had to fix a car in your life!

Heavy withdrawal.....

2006-04-06T15:45:00.000-04:00

This is the first day of the start of my withdrawal! The first game of the rollerhockey session starts tonight, it's also the night my girl's have softball practice (and i'm asst. coach this year).

Every year at this time i "sacrifice" what I want to do for what my children want to do!

I can't believe it!

What kind of parent am I?

This wouldn't be so hard except ... we are talking about HOCKEY here !!!!!!

Must ... have ... hockey ... uuuuuugh.

*clunk*

Scattered...

2006-04-05T08:32:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since my last post and I don't have anything real solid today so this is basically random.

If a chicken nugget is travelling south at 5 miles per hour and a second chicken nugget is travelling north with barbeque sauce on it at 3 miles an hour how long before your brain explodes?

McDonald's seems to be my favorite rantable (is that a word?) place. I don't know if it just happens that I go there so often that's where I see stuff or if there is a certain criteria for employees.

After taking our food to the table my youngest daughter (9) says: "I ordered a #10 but I only got 5 nuggets"
Wife: "Go back up to the counter and tell them"

Daughter goes up to the counter and tells them she only got 5 nuggets. (I went with her with the receipt just in case).

Woman behind the counter had a brief "deer-in-the-headlight" look then goes and shovels nuggets into a box.
Woman behind the counter handing her a box of 5 nuggets: "Here, I'll just give you a 5 piece, ok?"

Me (thinking): "Well, duh, what else would you give her? six? take back the 4 and 1/2 and give her 10? I'm sorry this little math exercise has caused such strain on your mental capacity.

The sea of funky green.

There is a sea of green trucks in our parking lot at work. THESE guys are here cleaning up our building. The company that shares our building (runs parallel with us and separated by a couple sheets of drywall) had a fire the other day and filled our side of the building with smoke and soot and overall stinkiness. I've decided that whenever I think my job sucks I will just remember these folks who have to come in here and CLEAN all day long ... and not just clean but they are cleaning EVERY surface ... I wonder if their homes are a mess. I sure wouldn't want to clean my house after working all day cleaning someone else's place!

Oh, and to the two ladies working outside my office: Stop complaining about your shoulder hurting! You are doing the "wax on, wax off" motion all day! How did you think that was gonna feel? Maybe you should be doing something else. Secondly, repeating things that I say to a co-worker is not only stoopid but annoying and rude, as is whispering stuff to each other when any of us that work here come close to you. Shut up, mind your own business and clean ... ok? Good!

A short note...

to the morons who loaded the truck that I had to help unload last night. It is in no shape or form, useful, funny or in any way amusing to load a semi with all the crates facing sideways so that it is impossible to get a forklift or other such implement under them. Having to work 4 hours just to unload a truck is ridiculous! I have a family which I would have liked to have seen before 10pm last night! Dickheads!

And finally...

any takers?

Space for Rant.

2006-03-29T16:09:00.000-05:00

I have to admit that when I started this I wasn't sure what I'd write about. I know I spent what seemed like an eternity staring at a blank "compose" screen trying to think of something amusing. It is just now starting to hit me that, (1) I don't really have to write something everyday and (2) most times what I find amusing doesn't necessarily translate to text very well. The, "you had to be there" syndrome.

Apparently, however, an accidental theme has started to emerge and I'm not sure I really wanna go that way. Most of my posts involve rants about stoopidity. I'm thinking of writing about my kids or some such thing just to change it up. But first...

A note to the McDonalds cashier:
When you put the other persons receipt on my tray you could at least admit it when the guy from the back puts my order and the other persons order both on my tray instead of saying "Someone must have moved it." Just admit your mistake and lets move on shall we?

A note to the woman who ran the red light in town the other day:
Please detach the cellphone from the side of your head as it has apparently caused either tunnel vision or color-blindness or perhaps both. If you love your cellphone that much it should be in a seatbelt anyway, so that when you are t-boned at the next red light you run it won't be ejected from the car and end up laying in some ditch, cold and lonely. Although that might be a relief to it that it doesn't have to listen to your voice anymore.

A note to all* the drivers this afternoon:
I know it has been a while since I passed my driving test and the times they are a changin'!
However, I don't remember a power failure causing all traffic lights and all attached side streets to become invisible. I believe that non-functioning traffic lights are supposed to STILL be treated as 4-way stops.

*"all" - with the exception of me and the two cars that pulled up to the lights from side streets who probably stopped NOT because they remembered the 4way stop thing but out of fear of being crushed by crossing traffic who had most certainly forgotten (ignored) the 4way stop rule. Whatever the reason at least they stopped.

Measure once, cut twice...er...whatever!

2006-03-24T15:51:00.000-05:00

I got one of THESE today at work. I love the one page instruction "manual". Ok, so I know how to use one and it's not that hard that it needs a whole manual, but still there is the whole "computer port" built-in thing that isn't even mentioned in the paper.

More importantly is the troubleshooting guide ... you know the ones ...

Problem: Unit does not power on
Cause: Battery not installed
Solution: Install battery

The really helpful stuff! So I'm glancing over this instruction sheet and a couple things caught my eye.

Failure: Display doesn't change
Cause: Accidental trouble in circuit
Measure: Take out battery and erset it after 30 sec.

So I'm thinking, what do you do in the case of "on purpose trouble in circuit" ??? I am also not certain what it is you are asking me to do to the battery after 30 seconds. (I know you are all looking at me like, "it's JUST a typo" ... I know, so even if I assume it is reset. Where is the reset button on the battery ... it must be tiny.)

Reading on...

Failure: Less accurate than specified
Cause: Dirt in sensor
Measure: Remove slider cover and its assembly, clean comperessed air

Ok, I'll admit i don't know EVERYTHING there is to know, but, (1) I'm not sure how cleaning the air will get the dirt out of the slider, (2) I'm not sure how to clean comperessed air. In fact I'm not even sure what comperessed air is.

Then finally ...

Failure: No display on LCD
Cause: (1) Battery in poor contact. (2) Battery low voltage
Measure: (1) Remove battery cover and adjust battery scat, keep good connection. (2) Replace battery.

Sure I can see how poop (ie. scat) would mess up the contacts on the battery and cause it to be "in poor contact" but I wasn't even aware that batteries had that "function". I should check my batteries at home and make sure they aren't "scatting" where they shouldn't be.

Cell phone destroys neurons!

2006-03-22T12:57:00.000-05:00

So I'm standing in line at the gas station waiting to make my purchase. There is the annoying wailing of the gas pump computer. It is screaming in its own language "Hang up the pump, dummy!" Nobody is listening.

The gas station clerk pulls the microphone over to him and says, "All pumps are pre-pay, please hang up the pump, pay inside or use your credit card, thank you".

Moments later a woman walks in the door ... comes directly up to the counter. (When you are stoopid you should be allowed to cut the line!)

This woman has a cellphone implant. (You know, the kind permanently jammed in your ear.) So I'm assuming at some point she understood some inkling of technological advances.

She leans in to the guy behind the counter and starts a conversation that goes something like this.

Cellphone Implant Woman: Pump 5 isn't working.
Gas Station Clerk Guy: All pumps are pre-pay ma'am.
CIW: They are all pre-pay?
GSCG: Yes.
CIW: hmmm

Implant woman leaves.

At this point I'm wondering how much damage the implant has done to her brain cells since obviously she can no longer read large white signs with red lettering that appear on EVERY pump in the gas station that read THIS PUMP IS PRE-PAY ONLY!
And I'm thinking that the implant has obviously damaged some function of her mind as I can't think the last time I was at a gas station where the pumps were NOT pre-pay!
Why now in the middle of the city would a 24hr gas station NOT have pre-pay and why did CIW act as if she'd never heard of such a thing as pre-pay ... hmmmm.

BTW: I'm always afraid every time I see someone with one of those "implants" they are gonna look over at me, their eyes are gonna be all glassy and glowing and they are gonna say "Resistance is futile". At which point I'll have to scream like a little girl and start running!

Brick Wall...

2006-03-17T09:02:00.000-05:00

My wife thinks I have a big head! (Come on, the one on my shoulders people! Filthy, filthy minds!) I try not to but sometimes it is hard to keep it deflated! I walked into the rink yesterday and one of the players on the other team asked me if I was playing goal. I told him I was (of course). I believe his response was "Crap! Crap! Crap!" You see last time we played this team he was frustrated by the sound of about 3 or 4 of his shots hitting the post! I love the PING sound! We ended that game in a 4-4 tie. NOW, this may not sound like much BUT the team I am playing for is NOT very good! I have played on good teams, even "great" teams. But I like to help out a team in need and these folks were in need. The teams goals against average (average number of goals scored against them per game) the session BEFORE i started playing for them was 7.2 . When I started playing for them my personal goal was to get that number under 7. We ended the session with a 4.5 goals against average. I was happy. The team was still pretty bad but headed in the right direction. Again, difficult to keep the balloon on top of my neck in check when I know I'm making a BIG difference to this team. I had thought that getting below 4 goals per game would be tough with this team but I've had a great session ... and the team has played fairly well. We are currently at 3.36 goals against with one game left in the session. This means that the next team would have to score 12 goals against me to make our goals against average higher than 4. That is NOT happening, there is NO way. I would have to be unconscious for that to happen. OK, so i'm trying to keep the swelling in check but then ... then ... there is last nights game. The team with Mr. Hit-The-Post-Too-Many-Times on it. I hope I made him happy, he didn't hit the post one time last night ... in fact ... every puck hit ME! He came to our locker room afterward and said his team was beside themselves. They would talk about shooting low, i was stoppping those, so they decided to try and shoot high, i was stopping those too! They didn't know what to do ... but the best part came when they actually had a GREAT chance. (Mind you we scored ONE goal early on, which is a feat for us. So, we were winning.) Guy with the puck coming down the rink on my left side. I'm almost up tight against the left post. He passes a perfect pass to his guy on my right side. That player received the pass, and with NO hesitation fired the puck at what he thought was a totally open net. As I dove across the net, almost soccer goalie style, I could hear the cheer on their bench winding up ... then ... when the puck hit me and DIDN'T go in, i heard the rushing of air as the life totally sucked out of their team. that was their best chance of the night and any other day maybe they score that one ... but i was determined. The players on our bench who are usually pretty quiet ... yelled out in unison, a cheer which, quite honestly startled me at first ... but put the biggest smile on my face !!!! I knew right there if we could hold off for a few minutes more ... that THAT save was the game saver!!!! SHUTOUT BABY!!!! I am SO pumped!!!!!

(I know i've used this picture before, and i apologize, but it's the only one i have of me on this computer ... so ... deal!)

Sincere apologies...

2006-03-14T10:39:00.000-05:00

for the crap picture. I don't own a digital camera so had to "fake" this picture. I drove past a store of the same name the other day in the early evening so the sign was lit. Two letters were burned out so it appeared as it does in the picture (minus the MS Paint brown, well you get the idea).
So the first thing that came to mind... okay the second thing ... the first thing was, "I wish I had a digital camera"! The second thing that came to mind was, "I wonder if their tires are all covered in little square mirror pieces (like glitter) so when light hits them it throws little light dots around the town!

You're a what?

2006-03-07T16:43:00.000-05:00

So I'm watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and the next contestant is introduced ... Chef Monica.
She gets to the $1000 question. It's a question regarding the U.S.D.A and what they grade from Prime to Select to Canner. The choices are kind of irrelevant. If I remember correctly she blew TWO lifelines getting the answer. I say "if i remember" because, to be honest ... i was having a hard time seeing the tv thru the tears in my eyes from laughter. She's a CHEF! Remember, they introduced her as CHEF...they talked about who she cooked for ... she's a FREAKING CHEF ... she has NO IDEA WHAT THE USDA GRADES?????? I'm sorry, it STILL cracks me up! She did however know which fin of a shark protrudes above the waterline ... cuz she learned it from South Park. Apparently there was no discussion about beef in South Park, perhaps she is still trying to figure out how to make "Beefcake". I wonder if the USDA grades that????

You realize Monica that you just "choked" on a FOOD question on NATIONAL TV! Good thing you didn't tell us where you work!